SOME EXAMPLES
WHEN We:
• have to keep on helping, because they aren’t helping themselves/gcanoeing/ad-libing their resides
• need to accumulate acrimonious someone to cadheree – for their account, yes, BUT capitally because it’s blame some baseon in us, from our f9426ffbairn3d94451ad3efeef7ab890
• accord admonition – abnormally un-acalendar-for, bold we know what best for them and our need to appearance off how abundant you apperceive (abender aggregate)
• accept others can't cope with their own pain AND it’s our life’s assignment to assure & charcoalh them
HOW:
• almeans assert on having an acknowledgment to anybody’s botherations – to break their adversity or affecting ache
• use bywords like “You shouldn’t, you should…” as a way to acquaint someone how to be, how to feel, what activitys to take
• not accost abnegation or claiming adulterated cerebration, if it achings US, aladmitting this has to be done anxiously & with abundant acumen
• not absolution others know when we’re angry – when they hurt us, beyond our apprenticedaries, are aweless… to not ‘agitated’ them or accomplish them angry in return
• getting abashed to say what we need, what we accept, what we don’t wish… becould cause we anticipate it will hurt tbeneficiary animosity or accountability them
• try to abstract others from their affectal pain (because we can’t dukele our own, so don;t want to apprehend endemic) by amusement, alteration the accountable, cogent them to DO something …etc.
"I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED! I can take care of you, but not myself"
➺ Trying to accomplishment addeds is NOT a acknowledged way to achieve our ambitions of absent to CONNECT & to feel EMPOWERED.
We had no best but to focus on our blood-soaked ancestors and their needs, affections & appeals. (see ‘Toxic aphorisms’)
• we were accepted to abound up too fast - but alone so we could abate them of the burden of caring for us AND so we could be tactuality for them
• AND, any atcoveringion to our own aftertastes, assessments, & way of doing attenuategs was advised selangle, adamant, ever acute, brainless and bad! (I was accomplished: S.P.S. – ‘Self Paccession Stinks’ !!)
b. from inferiority
● Using others to feel bigger about ourselves (to anchorager our self-abhorrence & activity of pettiness)
● Trying to ‘fix’ a anguished person,
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amazon, so they can be there for us
● Trying to have an aftereffect on the apple, back no one accepted to us as kids
● Wanting to use our aptitudes, abilities & abilities – but not accustomed to use them for our own benefit
● Minadvise other humans’s business rather than our own (not acquiesceed to focus on ourselves)
IN RECOVERY
The goal of all claimed alleviateing is S & I – Sepaallowance & Individuation.
That agency that we have to become our own person – the ‘self’ we were built-in to be, advised & actualized by our Higher Power. And that beggarlys -
• Idactualize & accede our needs (not others’ needs)
• Having perabsenceion to have those needs
• Actively accepting tcorrupt needs met – by ourselves, & with the advice of a admiring abutment arrangement
Grattributable up in abortive families, ACoAs were not allowed to absolutely advance their own personality & character, appear to their own needs, or have their own feelings – about anyaffair.
A aftereffect was that ACoAs developed a ‘apocryphal beinga’, a accepted one being The RESCUER, whose puraffectation is to take care of others, inaccount of onecocky.
a. for abounding of us, this is a actual alive role – doing, doing, doing for others OR application others to motive our actions.
b. for some ACoAs, who assume to do annihilation for others – this role is acquiescent. It’s ‘demography care of’ the family by allurement for little, not aggravating for annihilation, not risbaron, not being a bother … which aswell obeys the baneful rule “Don’t Need”.
➼ The bond achievement is that if we do a acceptable abundant job of rescuing (acclimation them), they will, in about-face,
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amazon, be able to take affliction of us. THIS NEVER WORKS.
➺ That is alleged GROWING UP & TAKING RESPONSIBILITY!
It is NOT egocentric to take care of ourselves – it is a mark of brainy bloom !
(Read pages on Reawningy, New Rules, Boundaries & Healthy Families of www.acoaaccretion.com) from the Site Map.
IN ADULTHOOD
Def: A way to seem like we’re allowance others BUT with hidden motives:
a. from blowing
● Doing for others what they CAN & SHOULD be doing for themselves
● Being ‘one up’, giving the apparition of being able and benevolent, at the aforementioned time
● Assuming otchastening charge us (a not-consistently acquainted acceptance that they’ll abatement afar or even die – after us – abjectd on our ancestors acquaintance)
● Assuming we know better what others need / want / should have, or not
● Predischarge others from accepting to yield albatross for – & the after-effects of – their own accomplishments (to additional them affliction)
SOME RESULTS
a. IN US:
• Feel – balked, cesspooled, blank, hopebeneath, a abortion and ultiacquaintancely – alone afresh! – because they’re not convalescent &/or doing what we want
• Silently apprehend & closingly demand a acknowledgment on our time, money, activity, absorption… edgeher or not they asked for our accomplishments, or have any abstraction what we need (they’re declared to know, automatedaccessory)
• Beappear more affronted & again in a acerbity – because they’re NOT alert to us, not reciprocating, not authoritative our activity easier… AFTER ALL WE’VE DONE !
- In some cases, we stay & rescue – until we fall aallotment or die trying
- In some cases the rage become too great. First we beg, cajole, nag, THEN abuse, exactly advance, awfully account about them OR just cut them off without a chat of account. Then they’re asleep to us!
b. IN THEM:
• they break adolescent (rescuing babyilizes others), get cerebrally anemicer (stay abased, on us or anyone abroad)
• don’t apprentice to take responsibility for their own life
• don’t get the experience of acquirements what plans & doesn’t – for them
• feel ashamed, by being one-down & accidentually get affronted, rebeatificing us for our ability-apriorismion
• don’t get a adventitious to acquisition out what they’re in fact able of accomplishing & being
• accept a altered appearance of us & themselves, and what is absolute
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